Undo Stress and Tension in Relationship
When we are talking about creating Rooted Relationships, one key feature is undoing tension in relationship. This means undoing both physical and emotional tension.
The past few years have been extremely tension inducing for all of us. We have all gripped a little tighter to our defenses, and tension is one of the most common defenses. It cushions us from the deeper feeling, and it usually comes because we subconsciously fear the emotion underneath.
We carry tension in our bodies as a defense, keeping us from feeling one of the primary emotions: angry, sad, joyful, disgusted, afraid, hurt, or surprised. As children, we develop habitual defenses to our primary emotions, even the “good” ones, like joy, happiness, gratitude and pleasure. Tension in our bodies can be a clue that we are defending against one of these feelings, even when we don’t realize we are defended.
Emotional tension which is felt in the relational field (between people) often comes from unclear boundaries, unmet expectations or not feeling centered and with ourselves. There are many ways to “undo” emotional tension as well. More on that in another article.
Stress in marriage and romantic relationships can arise from physical or emotional tension.
The good news is, there are many ways of working with physical tension. If you’re subscribed to my Newsletter, keep an eye out for the May publication of Rooted Resources for some of my favorite tension undoing tips. Sign up blow if you haven’t yet.
The ways that I work with tension in my Relational Leadership groups helps to uncover the feelings underneath and free up the energy that gets trapped by this defense!
Tension in our bodies is a defense against feeling.
Emotional tension in relationships come from interpersonal dynamics.
So, how do we learn to undo tension in relationship?
Below is a list of the steps I help teach members of the Relational Leadership Groups I facilitate (on-line and in Weaverville, NC).
Awareness of the tension
Assess the context
Work with it using visualization
Discover what's underneath
Sit at the fork-in-the-road
Choose how to use your life energy
I offer a practice to reduce tension and reduce tension in relationship.
The first step is awareness. Building awareness of the tension we are holding in our bodies, or that we are feeling in relationship, can be a clue that we are in a habitual role, or a defense. You might be surprised to hear me say this, but, sometimes, we need our defenses and it's very useful and smart to have that skill, at times. There are many contexts in which feeling those feelings is not appropriate or safe enough for us. So, at times, it makes sense to use our defenses. Knowing how to assess context is another skill that is developed inside Relational Leadership Groups.
As we build awareness that tension is present, we can assess whether it's a good time to undo that tension or not. If yes, then we have a few tools that can help. When someone in my Relational Leadership Groups wants to work with their physical tension, I lead them through one of two somatic exercises. Together, we get curious about what feeling is underneath. This is a place where we can discover what our body already knows.
This often leads to a choice, or a fork-in-the-road: Now knowing what you know, is there anything you want to do with this freed up life-energy? And you get to choose.
I lead Relational Leadership Group participants through this practice to reduce stress in romantic relationships.
If you’d like to practice this skill and learn to undo tension in your own life, join one of my upcoming women only Relational Leadership Groups, starting in June.
Space is limited to 6 women to hold an intimate and safe container.
