Building Strength: How Adversity Makes You Stronger

Through adversity comes strength, and today, I have a story for you on that theme.

This is our first spring on this land we purchased last April. And it’s been inspiring to see the changes through the seasons. One of my favorites was just a few weeks ago, when a waterfall of crocuses came rushing out of the earth to greet the beginning of spring. I pulled out my “good camera” and took some photos.

Within a few days there were so many bursting from the earth, signaling hope for what was to emerge. Here's what happened though . . .

Through adversity comes strength, even for crocuses

I love imagining the tiny sleeping bulbs of the crocus. She is waiting patiently for the right conditions. Then, pressing hard with all her might, she comes bursting forth from the damp soil, stretching toward something she can't see. The layers of debris from the fall remain thick on the ground. Sticks, pine needles, dry leaves. It's not an easy journey and yet still she pushes toward something from an inherent awakening, a knowing that this is the way.

As I was admiring these newly sprouted crocuses, and taking some stunning photos, I noticed a few on the edge of the patch who were still just under the surface of dried leaves. With out even thinking, I reached over and began to clear the way for them. "Allowing them to make it to the surface a bit faster," I thought. "So they don't have to work so hard," I hoped.

How adversity makes you stronger? Pushing through!

Suddenly, I paused with the recognition that maybe I wasn't actually helping. Maybe they needed the obstacle to push against, to develop into what they are meant to be.

You see, I had just been having a conversation with my friend Jo about motherhood and the intense experience of witnessing the becoming of a person, our very own children. In many ways, I can see my children for the glorious, unique and perfect beings they are. I can feel trust that the pain they will experience is theirs to experience in their lifetime.

But also, at times, I get really afraid for them. I see how they are developing defenses and patterns that just might not be the easiest things to be in for a lifetime. I see the way my eldest seems to get lost in codependent patterns with our pets, fearing for their safety with out evidence, taking it personally when they don't come when she calls, etc.

And, as I think many of us do, I fall into a pattern myself, because I get trapped in a place of self-blame for her being the way she is. I react by wanting to control her, stop her, teach her, HELP HER! Which, as you might suspect, doesn't feel good at all, for any of us. I become so sure that these patterns she is developing will be hard, painful and steer her life in a direction I don't want for her.

I want to make it easier on her. I want her to have the benefits of the suffering I have endured and the ways I've gotten free from it too. I want her to have an easier time of it than I did. And, what if she doesn't? What if she takes things personally and tries to be whatever other people want. Or doesn't know how to listen to her own boundaries and over gives when she really needs to take care of herself. What if she becomes like me?

Through adversity comes strength, for all of us

It's painful to become a person. It's not an easy journey, just like the tiny crocus reaching for her potential. Remember those crocuses I was "helping?"A few days later, on another walk up my driveway, I saw the outcomes of my efforts.

In plain sight, with no guess work about it, the crocuses on the end were too weak to stand. They lay flopped over from the base of their stem. They had not had the opportunity to grow a strong enough stem to be able to stand up. They had not gotten the chance to meet the obstacles they were meant to overcome.

My daughter is meeting her obstacles. And it's not my job, it's not even helpful, to try to clear them away before she is ready. She must grow the strength to stand on her own. It's hard to watch, literally painful for me to see her struggles. But I am soothed some by this story, by how I see the wisdom in the natural order of life. And who am I to think I know which obstacles she doesn't need? Which obstacles I don't need?

As we raise our children or heal our own inner child, I’ve come to find that resting in trust, returning to trust, and to the spaces and healers that I can develop trust with, is more important that not experiencing pain or hardship. After all, as my guru used to say, we incarnate to experience what it’s like to be human, even the pain.